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I came online to type a post that has been in the offing a while, but then I read this story on the TOI website, and my mind just would not get off it. And I had to put down my thoughts.
This article and its two follow-ons are first hand accounts of three people, a man and his two wives, who all live together. The man and his first wife had an arranged marriage, where they had never even laid their eyes on each other before their wedding. The first wife is a typical Indian soap wife, dutiful, submissive and meek. But the man wanted more, and found himself a match in another woman, who later with the approval of his first wife, went onto become his second wife. And according to him, they have been living happily ever since, errr....... together. Wow! This even beats those terribly disgusting and twisted David Dhawan movies about a man and his two wives whom he dearly loves.
I don't quite understand an adult bowing to familial pressures into marry someone against his own wishes, and then quite happily flouting those very pressures to marry a second time. This is strange, really. Though they claim to be alright, I doubt if either of the women ever gets a decent night of sleep. I know I could never deal with my husband and another woman having so much as a casual non-physical affair, a marriage is quite out of the question of course. I believe a man and woman together form a complete whole, so what happens when there are three of them? Isn't it like a one and half.
This just seems so twisted to me, how can there be three people in a relationship? What about the poor kids, how do they grow up and what do they learn. This man claims to love both the women, but if he loved his first wife, would such a situation have risen at all, I wonder. Of course he is not the only one, the Hindi film industry has a few of this kind, The Dharmendra-first wife- Hema Malini trio, Boney Kapoor - first wife- Sridevi trio and some more. They just go on to show their lack of respect for the institution of marriage. There are many like them, who completely disrespect commitments in general and marriage in particular.
To me a marriage is sacrosanct, and to defile it is sacrilege, and so I feel personally offended to see people take marriage so lightly. Though I do not take cheating of any kind light heartedly, making a mockery of marriage is just unacceptable to me. Grown men, fathers of children, doing but to dishonor a marriage,is not just undignified, it is purely filthy. I can accept a divorce and re-marriage, but these king of threesome arrangements are just such a sham, so disrespectful to both the women involved, and just simply unfair. Marriage is nothing, if not a real commitment. A marriage is not about the ceremony, but about the commitment from one's heart and soul, and what is a person worth if he cannot keep his commitment. Such open disgrace of marriage really saddens me, and I wish people would grow up, and be ready to accept their responsibilities and commitments with true honesty to themselves as well as their spouse.
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22 comments:
This is so disgusting! Of course it is a mockery of marriage .. and if this man truly loves his wives I am sure he will be delighted to dutifully allow them to also select one partner each for those times when he is busy with the other wife...
Let me read it again, a little carefully.
Lets say, "different strokes, different folks"- and if it does not bother any of the adults involved- maybe it works for them.
Lucky guy!!!Imagine if I had two husbands - one to bring in the money and one to babysit...
On a serious note, it seems only men can have multiple wives but women can't...There is a famous Kuchipudi dancer Raja Reddy who is married to two sisters and they live happily together as one family unit...I too can't understand how a wife can approve of a second wife...
I agree... marriage and commitment is with one person.
It is a sacred and marriage is to respected.
2 wives, 2 husbands, extra-marital affairs, one-night stands - I just don't understand any of these things...
Maybe to some people it's alright and their affairs are "justified", but I just don't get it and I seriously think its wrong and offensive on so many levels.
Exactly the same way I think and I always feel that people like them shouldnt get the respect they gat and be accepted in the society, becuase they are dishonest people, they have behaved wrongly.
I cant imagin the amount of hurt wife must have gone thru, how can hema malini and sridevi Dharmenra and Boney etccan be admired and why?
If they really are not happy in their marriage then first , they must take a divorce and then look for new pasture. Remaining in a marriage and then getting attached amounts to cheating.
More than the man, I dislike these girls and women who link themselves with the married, they are hurting a woman, being a woman, they should be sensitive enough to realise.
U mean they live together:-o....crazy really...in this day & age
I seriously dont knw wht to comment.
These things are shocking but happen everywhere. One of my colleague's wife has 2 moms, both real sisters. Her biological mom is the younger of the sister and was married because the elder sister could not have kids. The kids from the younger sister ( meaning my colleague's wife and her siblings ) are more closer to the elder mom and they all live happily. Where 2 daughter-in-laws ( married to 2 different brothers) cannot live without fighting in one household, i wonder what challenges these wives of a common husband must be facing each day.
IHM - Indeed he should, but never would. Some twisted theory of love crops up.
Alankrita - That is exactly what I thought initially, but know what, read the accounts of the women and you will realise they do have a great sense on insecurity.
Bones - Good one. ;) Indeed it is only the men, women cannot keep two husbands, no way!! Such double standards I tell you.
The Raja Reddy thing is also mentioned in a follow-up article to this.
Pixie - With you in every word.
Renu _ That is what,break out of the old relationship. This is just twisted. Really quite pathetic.
Reflections - Indeed they do, and are openly talking about it.
Enchanted - My point is, that the sanctity of marriage and commitment is completely broken here. It is just terribly sad and unfair to all the three involved here, mainly the women. Can the wife ever have a fight with the husband, without the fear of permanently losing him?
god! Ofcourse its a mockery. I truly believe in the sanctity of marriage as well,GM. This is something I wouldnt ever understand. Its completely outrageous!How can there be three people in a marriage??? And I wonder if the 'other' woman is truly happy and at peace? Can anyone ever be, in a situation like this? And btw, isnt it legally punishable by law or something? Polygamy isnt legal in India. Or is it???
Wow! You will just love Kuchipudi dancer Raja Reddy. He's married to two sisters and has a daughter from each of them. Apparently, he shares a 'spiritual' relationship with his first wife-the elder sister, and a 'physical' relationship with the second wife!!
Thank God I don't have a sister!
But seriously, is it okay in certain circles and not in others?
Islam allows four wives though. So I guess loving upto 4 is documented as being plausible. :) diff folks, diff strokes. I'd say we don't judge them and not call them disgusting. Who are we to set any moral standards, rite? If they are happy, good for them. If they are not, that's their problem. Society should have nothing to do with their personal choice; hence no question of disrespecting them because of their actions. No one has a right to judge, me thinks :! but me is not always right. :D
Piper - Exactly my point. I don't think anyone here is truly happy, the women definite;y don't seem to be. Polygamy is a punishable offence in India so far, but only if the first spouse registers a complain. You know Hema Malini n Dharmendra converted to islam for a day to legalise their marriage.
M4 _ I doubt your hubby would have done anything that disgusting. these people just conjure up stories and sick things to give credibility to their actions.
Roop - Oh my! These very thoughts crossed my mind before i typed this post you know. Its their life, why should I judge etc etc. Indeed Islam allows upto 4 marriages, but then that is misinterpreted to a great extent, just as is a lot in their religion.For one these people are not Muslims, so that does not apply to them. The other thing is, when i read the accounts of the two wives, they did not sound ok, or happy with the arrangement, it sounds like a compromise, or an acceptance of the situation beyond their control. the second wife says " I admit even today the nights I have to spend alone, I can't help but feel a sense of jealousy towards Saroja didi. It's one thing to share a man's property, another to share his bed. " So you see.
Secondly, I respect the institution of marriage. I believe that it is a commitment for life, and if you cannot keep it, don't make it. And hence this kind of an arrangement really aggrieves me. You are not wrong in what you say Roop, but this is what I feel. I am not judging them on morality, but on their lack of commitment, or the ability to respect their commitment.
HBO here runs a popular series "Big Love" its about mormons and the guy has 3 wives and going for a 4th well so on is the story.
Its never easy. its a crazy life. I am hooked to the series coz its absolute madness.
I love the banner- beautiful and poignant.
u kno GM ... this topic interests me because i've been having similar conversations with P lately. he has exactly the same stand as u ... whilst i am still fluid. obviously, i won't accept another woman in the house ... but i am not too rigid on this commitment part. i acknowledge that there is a possibility P might get attracted to someone else ... and i will get over it real quick if he tells me the same. i wont let it come between our r/ship. shit happens, life goes on. however, if i were to step out of the r/ship even once, P would most certainly walk away.
our differences .... and we haven't been able to compromise on them yet :) not that a compromise is needed cuz, god forbid, any of us cheats.
it's a battle of how we are raised, how our perceptions are formed at a young age ... one man-one woman commitment is a societal generated funda for the sake of children. it's not the same in wilderness where 'civilization' hasn't touched yet. genetically, i think we are wired to be polygamous ... but we are so tuned to monogamy now after generational brainwashing that we see no other way to it. Plus stability of family et al is important for a happy life ... that stability is in monogamy.
as for those who practice polygamy, i think they give in to their urges more, that's all. rest of us have learned to tame the urges the minute they rear their head.
true that both women might not be happy completely but they are happier than they would be with any other man. i have a friend whose husband is cheating on her and i know that ... but she is madly in love with him and SOOOOO happy with him ... that it breaks my heart to tell her the truth. Isn't it better that she remains happy in the illusion that he only cares for her ... than face the truth? Maybe one day she will face it ... but I don't want to be the bearer of it.
at the end of the day, 'happiness' matters. however u get it (as long as it aint hurting anyone else), it's justified and it's ethical. they're not hurting anyone else. it's their personal decision ... and they are happier this way than they would be any other. husband doesnt want to let go of first wife cuz where'd she go? divorced, unemployed and with a child. good for him. he is madly in love with the second wife and she in love with him. but she was kind enough to give the first wife enough room to stay around and share her husband. despite of frequent jealousy, they're still living together cuz it makes them happier than they would be without this arrangement.
as aristotle said, greater good is happiness. :)
im not disagreeing with you GM. I respect ur view fully!!! Just presenting mine ... :) thankuu.
Cant post a comment on the other blog. Some trouble with the word verification. Hence I`m posting it here.
jalebis..uummmm.. havent had them in ages! Garam jalebis on Mahalaya was a tradition at home :) And its a lil funny, but I havent ever kept a fast in my life. Well, correction - I didnt until I got married. And then, I started fasting for karva chauth. Ofcourse, no one at home had ever done that before(bong family). But that`s the only fast I keep. Not even saraswati pujo or durga pujo! :)
The way I see it - history suggests that man is not a naturally monogamous animal, as exemplified in our epics, myths, and also in the Bible. But, then society/religion imposed certain laws which prohibited or limited polygamy. So, while Hinduism wants us to be monogamous, Islam allows up to 4 wives, and certain Christian sects like the Mormons are also allowed multiple wives.I mean, the situation you mention is perfectly acceptable in Islam, while in our religion, it does raise an eyebrow even if no legal action is taken.
Again, there is the question of sexual polygamy. Even if a man has only one wife, does it mean he is always sexually monogamous and not in an extra marital relationship? So, while I personally do not understand why the women would accept to live in this kind of relationship, I would't go so far as condemn it. Rather, what I feel needs to be done is raise education levels, confidence, and self esteem in girls so they would not be pressurized into staying in a marriage that's demeaning to them in any way.
I can't help but wonder the furore that would have ensued if it were a woman living with two husbands and not the other way around!
"I can't help but wonder the furore that would have ensued if it were a woman living with two husbands and not the other way around!"
i been thinking the same. :)
Mystic - *Piper takes a bow* :) :) yup, wholeheartedly agree!
Mini - welcome after ages, really! :) Indeed it cannot be easy. Thanks for liking the banner. The photo was clicked at a picturesque mall in Dubai .
Roop - If polygamy is a natural instinct, so is violence. But we have evolved. A one night stand or an affair is quite different from a second marriage and a three-way relationship.You get it?
Forgiving a one-night stand, or a casual fling is very different from living with a second spouse of your spouse, or simply put 'sautan'. It is humanly unbearable to share the person who is indeed your other half. That is the way I think partners in marriage should be.
I completely understand your view point, but I am sure you would not be able to share your pati 24X7 with someone else, and living in the same house too, sleeping in a room, knowing your husband is lying in the arms of another woman, just a door away. Believe me every woman will feel the way you do. So it is nothing but compromise, and most importantly it is the women who are compromising, because of a weak man.
Piper - Shibo ratri post marriage is the only one I am managaing, with gaps ofcourse. So with you lady!
MM - Very right. And just like Roop, I like your last sentence. Where have we ever heard of a woman with multiple husbands, co-inhabiting, post Draupadi? And even then it was not her wish to be that way.(I am completely with her is she calls her husbands Mumma's boys). I am condemning it, because it is unfair, to the women. Being fair would require the two wives to have two husbands each too. And I really believe marriage is a commitment, much greater than sex, or just the physical aspects, and this kind of treatment simply debases the concept of marriage. That is the reason i am unhappy with this kind of an arrangement, it is humiliating for the women as well as marriage in general.
Roop,Piper & MM - http://www.geocities.com/batoegajah/jp050806b.htm
Read this. It tells us how even the multiple marriage system in Islam is a contrived convenience provision.
I really liked this part which says "The meaning of the An-Nisa chapter should be taken as the attitude of human fitrah. Men have the natural tendency of wanting to possess more than one wife. But one must not forget that women have the natural tendency of refusing to be made co-wives. To avoid misunderstanding and ensure fair treatment in family life, it is suggested that a man take only one wife for the sake of justice. "
People talk of freedom, liberty, etc etc, but they aren't really able to face it. Those 3 people decide to live their lives in some way that those 3 people think will be good for them, without disturbing anyone else, inside their home. How can you, or the society for that matter have a problem with it?
Are they asking you to live your life like that? No. They pondered about what would work for them and they decide to live life like they want it with consensus. They are open about it and aren't cheating themselves, or anyone else. All 3 know whats going on and seem to be happy with it. I don't understand how someone else can have a problem with it.
Think about it. Each and everyone has his own sense of morals and values. You consider marriage sacrilegious and think these people are lowlifes. Someone else may think human body is sacrilegious and those who consume alcohol or smoke are lowlifes. some people think those who eat meat are lowlifes. There is no end to it. The only yardstick one can safely use is whether or not a person is violating someone else's rights. As long as one is not interfering with others rights, he is fine. In this case, those 3 people are clearly not interfering with anyone else's lives.
Well,... The a article (as usual) was highly informative (Or i totally lack such info with the never ending education at hand !) but going thru the comments i found an easily perceivable bias :
"Why can't woman take two husband... ?"
And i'll just quote the author in some other post :
"Do two wrongs make a right ???"
Personally i believe marriage is a failed instituation.. but then again i'm just 20 yrs old. And quite to the idea.
Would the blogger pls comment...
Neonazzer29 - Most of the commentators, especially the women, i am sure would not want to take two husbands, in fact even most men, who are truly committed to marriage would not. Sex apart, marriage is also a huge emotional commitment, and it is not easy to fit in more than one person there.
Marriage as a personal thing more than an institution. It is as good or as bad as we personally make out relationship.
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